: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
