I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
