It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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