Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
