Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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