As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize