Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
