nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
