You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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