Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Randomize
