Dual....:-)
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
