Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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