wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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