sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I seem to have left my pride at pride
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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