i wish my penis had a tongue
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
