I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
