they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
