I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
