How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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