i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
