Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize