You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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