I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
