By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize