I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
