oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
