Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
