Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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