We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
