If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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