The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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