I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
