just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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