I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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