i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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