Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
