I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
