Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
