yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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