I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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