The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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