Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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