My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
