I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
