my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
