i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
