i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
