i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
