why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
