I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
