Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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