My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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