my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
