You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
