no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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