I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
