someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
