We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
