Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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