12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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