A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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