i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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